THE Appointment

Well we have had the appointment regarding my husband being able to sperm share to get reduce costs IVF.....

Traffic was fine going we actually got there 50 minutes early.....sat in the car park for 20 minutes, I couldn't sit around any more I was nervous enough, my husband seem so calm........he said he was a little nervous.

We went to reception booked ourselves in and got shown to a waiting room, 5 minutes later they pulled us into a side room and asked my husband to produce a sample....this was a bit awkward as it the room was right outside the nurses station. At this point I left my husband to do the deed and waited back in the waiting room. Walking into the waiting room it felt a bit weird knowing what my husband was doing in the next room. Soon after my husband joined me in the waiting looking rather red cheeked.........

We waited another 30 minutes till the donation nurse called us through, she went through the process with us etc but not in depth as she explained there was no point doing it in depth until we know weather the sperm would freeze and defrost ok...........this point we had a quick chat with the embryologist  who said his sperm count was fine and they were just concerned with the morphology and that it wasn't moving as fast as they would like it but it was still inside the guidelines for using his sperm.....the next test was to see how it freezes and defrosts...........we got told we could leave and go home and to ring the clinic 20 minutes later to find the results.

By this point I was starving, I hadn't had breakfast, so we stopped at a McDonald's on the way home....I know its not healthy but I was starving!!! I had to go to the car to make the phone call while my husband was sat in McDonald's.....they still hadn't had the results back......had more of a wait...........5 minutes later the phone rang....................

It was bad news the sperm didn't survive so we could sperm share :o( We now have to find the money for full cost IVF..........All my husband could do was apologise, I tried reassuring him that it's not his fault and that we still have options and for him to not be so negative......He said it was hard not to be so I explained how I was finding it a little easier to cope with the Journey by not looking at the end product but looking at the next little steps we have to take to get to the end product....O.K the sperm sharing failed. We have the funds for at least one full cost cycle put to one side anyway so it could still happen.....

We got home and my dear husband just started to potter about like he does when he has something on his mind, trying to keep himself busy. I have given him big hugs and reassured him, I think a night snuggled up on the sofa in front of the TV tonight is called for. To show him as much affection as I can because I know he is blaming himself and he shouldn't, it's not his fault it's just one of them things.

The next step would be getting my TSH levels under control now so we can start IVF at full cost.........

Eve Of Appointment For Sperm Sharing

OMG I can't believe that tomorrow we will be at the clinic for 12pm to start the process of sperm sharing for reduce costs IVF.....
I don't know who's more nervous.....me or my darling husband. So much is going round in my head from, I hope he can you know *coughs* produce a sample, that they don't knock us back for some reason or another to hoping that it will freeze and defrost ok.....
I know I won't be getting any sleep tonight :o(
I started writing this post with my head full of stuff and now whilst writing it it has all gone :o(

Local GP Appointment

Well off I toddled to my local GP this morning for 10:50am.....dragging my 9 yr old with me in the peeing down rain. Once arrived got told the GP was running 10 minutes late. I was unsure how this appointment would go as I said in my last post that the GP I usually see had left the clinic :o(.

When I got called through I was greeted by a lovely smile and then I realised she was the GP that actually referred me about my goitre to get it checked out as my GP wasn't available at the time. Oooooo how relived was I to come across this woman who already had knowledge on my health record.

As I started to explain how I wasn't happy with the reply of "Everything is normal with your bloods" when I had my last appointment (with the nurse for my flu jab) she agreed. She gave me the information I was actually after......my TSH levels. The last 2 tests............
30/08/2011.....Free T4 7.6 and TSH 7.50  Thyroid Antibodies 1092
04/11/2011.....Free T4 11.0 and TSH 4.15

Oooooo how pleased am I???
It's coming down but it's not as low as I would like it. The Dr explained to me how my Endocrinologist Consultant at the hospital wants my medication upping if my levels weren't below 4. As you can see the last test it wasn't quiet below 4 so she has upped my dosage of Levothyroxine from 50mg to 75mg per day.

OK the results are in the normal clinical guidelines as T4 Free should be between 7.86 and 14.41 and the TSH should be between 0.35 and 5.50.

I am actually wanting to get between 1 and 2, I know it can't be rushed and I don't want to rush it and I can see light at the end of the tunnel so my next hurdle with this will be my Endocrinologist at the hospital on 12th January 2012. I was very plesantly surprised that the appointment with my Endo wasn't in Febuary as first thought but in Jan. I hope he is going to agree with me and get my levels to where I want them. I will have to go for another blood test before seeing him to see what they will be nearer the time, especially as my medication has been upped, even though they should of been upped 2 months ago.

I am actually pleased everything is on track for now.......Dear husband has his appointment 22nd Dec 2011 to start the process of sperm sharing.......................

TSH Levels and TTC

Well after doing my homework on my thyroid problem and TTC (trying to conceive) I have come to the conclusion that my TSH levels need to be between 1 and 2. I currently have no clue to what they are as all I get back from my local GP when you ring and ask for the results is....."normal".........OK and this helps how??
The "normal" range can be anything from 0.5 to 5.5. So I could well be within the national guidelines of being normal but it might not be low enough to TTC.

I find this frustrating as NO ONE has mentioned this to me.....not my GP, not my fertility Consultant and nor my Endocrinologist Consultant. You would of thought it would of been mentioned by at least one of these people but then again it shouldn't really matter to them as I already have a child!!! Grrrrrr, it really annoys me.
I am not willing to put us through financial and emotional struggles for this journey for it to end up not working all because of my TSH levels when I should of been told. I am glad I have done my homework and researched it all now.

So where am I now after all this apart from fuming?? Waiting to go and speak to my local GP to find my exact blood work from at least the past 2 blood tests!!! I hope to God that they are going to be co-operative today and if my levels aren't low enough, which I have a feeling they aren't as I'm putting weight on left right and centre, then I want my medication upping and if they aren't willing to do it then I will speak to the practice manager, if that doesn't work then I will go even further......I am not letting this lie..........
Appointment is at 10:50am today......wish me luck!!

Prejudice

You join a fertility forum and chat on-line to get a little support and advice when you think it would be the last place to come across prejudice regarding wanting children.......

Then you come across....."Well at least your a Mum already"

Comments like that make me feel awful. I know I have my son and I am very grateful for that it doesn't stop the feeling inside to become a mother again, the yearning, the feeling, the craving. Then what about my husband don't people think that he would like to father his own child too? Or that he is entitled to?

OK people maybe say, "Well at least your a Mum already", and not mean it the way it comes out but maybe people should stop and think what they say before it comes out of their mouths. Think about how they are feeling about wanting to become a mother themselves then think how that comment comes across to someone struggling to conceive weather they have a child or not. It hurts just as much as never being a mother, weather you already have children or not, people should not be prejudice. Everyone is entitled to become parents including my childless husband and including me becoming a mother for a second time!!

0 kids.....10 kids does it matter how many kids you have?? That feeling is always there and having a child previously in the past with no problems conceiving makes it so much harder to accept that you need help second time round, more so if you don't even have a medical reason in why you aren't getting pregnant.

The Starting Point

My journey is just about to start......

We received a letter this morning asking us to attend the fertility clinic on 22nd December 2011 which is why I thought I'd start this blog off. It might help with my feelings and to remember the tough journey that is ahead of us.

To start.......I have a son from a previous relationship who will be 10 on 2nd January. I married my beloved husband, Carl, 1st October this year after 3 years of being together. In that time we having been trying for a child of our own to complete our family but month after month my period would come. Month after month I would get frustrated and ask myself, "Why isn't it happening?" After all it took me 4 days to fall pregnant with my son 9 years ago.

We agreed in August 2010 that if nothing had happened after a year of trying we would go to the doctors. Carl was worried it was him as I already had my son. I tried reassuring him that it might not be, I was 9 years older than I was when I had conceived my son and alot can happen in that time for a problem to occur in my body.

After sperm tests and blood tests and scans it showed that Carl had a low volume of seminal fluid but his sperm was fine. As the doctor described it......."Its like having Olympic swimmers but with out the swimming pool", we got reassured that this wasn't a problem.

My scans showed I had cysts on my ovaries but we were reassured AGAIN that this wasn't a problem as I don't suffer Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I went on to have a further test to check my uterus and see if my tubes where blocked this was called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short). I won't go into great detail about it as it wasn't something I want to remember.........it showed that my left tube may of been blocked. To make sure that it wasn't just a spasm in my tube they sent me off for laparoscopy surgery. This was a day procedure and I was back home in the evening and laid up in bed for 3-5 days. The outcome was that I didn't have a blocked tube of if I did then they had unblocked it by testing it with dye squirted through it. I had slight endromitrosis and that was it.

We got called back to the consultants office to say "Well we can't find anything wrong with you both sorry. It will have to be self funded" I went away crying feeling hopeless.

They couldn't help us on the NHS as we didn't fit the NICE guidelines or our local PCT's (Primary Care Trust's) guidelines due to ME having a son from a previous relationship. At this point I was beating myself up blaming myself and feeling sorry for my husband because I had the child previously then he's not allowed any help either. That didn't and still doesn't seem very fair to us. Surely my husband not having children should matter at the end of the day what alot of people don't realise is it effects men just as much as women. People seem to think because the men aren't the one's who carry the child and it grows inside them and they give birth that they don't matter, but until you are in this situation you will never truly realise the impact it has, not just on me but my husband too. You get a few people say "You should be grateful you have your son" Don't get me wrong I am blessed to have my son but it still doesn't stop my wanting more children which as these small minded people imply that I'm ungrateful for what I have. What they don't also think about is my husband, YET again he is pushed out like having a child doesn't effect him!!!

He wouldn't talk about, he was moody and he started slipping into depression. He won't admit that he was depressed or let alone why he was depressed even to this day. It took him alot of courage to finally admit he was feeling low and depressed, you know what men are like. Don't want to show feelings as its a sign of weakness.

Anyway back to where I start trailing off (my husband wouldn't appreciate me talking about him)........After it had sunk in that we had to self fund first thing that went through my mind was "How?" with only one of us working and having a house to pay for and everything that comes with it. In the next breath the consultant suggestion egg donation. We went home, I did the research on it. Donating my eggs seemed like a great idea as we would get reduced costs IVF at 5th of the price. OK it meant there maybe a chance that there will be children out there in the future that are genetically part me but also if it meant I could help women out that couldn't have children that's a bonus as I know exactly how they feel. It's a win win situation, or so I thought!!

After doing my homework I came across how you shouldn't have certain diseases or genetic problems.....this I thought might be a problem as my son is Autistic and ADHD. As far as I was aware they weren't proven to be genetic. I rang around a few private clinics asking and explaining about my son and how there is no other members of my family that have Autism or ADHD and each and everyone said "NO, sorry we can't risk taking your eggs" This made me feel hopeless yet again, blaming myself yet again, if it wasn't for my son yet again. Thats how I started thinking and I had to stop thinking like that as my son is my world and I wouldn't have him any other way. I felt like I was being discriminated but I knew deep down inside that it was a fair comment. At the end of the day a woman would be using my eggs to have a child they have longed for (just like I am) and then they found out the child ends up being Autistic. For me that wouldn't be a problem as I live with it day in day out but for someone who doesn't have a clue about Autism and have never come across it is a big thing and later down the line if they find out that the donor of the egg had a history of Autism in the family....well I'm sure you can guess what would happen.

We were back to square 1......having to pay full price until I rang one clinic up and its the only clinic in the UK that does this and they suggested to me that they would accept my husband sperm for reduced costs instead of my eggs. With this new information I spoke to my husband and asked him how he would feel about fathering a maximum of 10 families?? He was a little shocked at how many families he could father but he was fine about it, he wants this as much as me. I got on the phone and had all the relevant paperwork sent to us to start the process.

Once the paperwork was filled out and sent back we had an appointment sent through pretty quick. I was shocked in how fast it was all happening. THEN just to stick ano